I sat in that waiting room contemplating the possibilities, the completely different paths that could momentarily be put in front of me by the revealing of my test results. In that moment, the results of my biopsy for endometrial cancer were present, in the hands of my doctor, but still unknown to me. They were like Schrodinger’s test results- the reality of a positive or negative outcome both absolutely real in that moment. Until spoken aloud to me, it could go either way. Anxious from a week of waiting, I sat there focusing on the positive outcome, affirming and seeing it come out the way I wanted it to. Then something interesting happened. I let go of expectation, and just trusted that whatever happens will be exactly the right thing and will lead me to what is in my highest and best good.
I was called back to the doctor’s office. I think every single part of my body was tense as I sat down in the hard, wooden chair across from his desk. He told me that the results were back and that they were negative. It took a moment for that to set in. I relaxed then, melting from an icicle into a stream, and for the first time in a week I was able to really breathe.
I am usually pretty good at the breathing thing. I have had my children breathe through emotional and physical traumas too numerous to mention, have breathed through childbirth, grief and loss. I have breathed through love and pain. This was a particularly challenging one, and it was difficult to get there. I should have written it all over my life last week, BREATHE on sticky notes in my car, on my bathroom mirror, on the window by the sink, on my computer. BREATHE, just breathe, and make it through this very moment, and then the next, and it will be okay.
I will try my best to remember the importance of breath, today and every day. I encourage you to go ahead and write those BREATHE sticky notes and put them everywhere. It’s like they say on an airplane- put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. When life begins to feel like a slow motion plane crash about to happen, BREATHE first, then get busy. I am so grateful that I can breathe easily again.
With a big breath and a sigh of relief,
Photo by Eli DeFaria on Unsplash